Re-born Yesterday

So, this is Death.

Interesting. I have to say that it’s a lot different than I thought it would be. No bright light, no angles singing, no pearly gates. Just a big black space, at least I assume it’s big. Of course as an Atheist I should have expected something like this. In a way I should even be thrilled, after all it proves me right. Won’t all those religious types be surprised! Heehee. I wish I could see the looks on their faces when they find out. Of course, first I’d have to be able to see.

Eternity is going to be boring!

Sigh, oh well, nothing to be done about it now. Although I certainly hope Sohpie is suing for my untimely demise out there in the Living World. That semi truck must have been doing eighty, and I clearly had the right of way. If she goes to Jeff at the law firm he’ll get her at least a million from that truck guy’s company. Sohpie will be thrilled.

Now that I think about it I bet she’ll go to Jeff regardless. She always was a tramp (that’s why she was with me), and now that I’m out of the way she’ll know that Jeff will be inheriting the entire law firm. She won’t stop at the million for wrongful death, she’ll go right in for the kill and get a slice of firm by sugaring up my partner.

Good for her, I taught her well.

She might as well grab all she can. Because the philosophers were right (who knew?), you really can’t take it with you when you go. This is so dull. What I wouldn’t give for at least some elevator music. No, on second thought the last thing I want is to spend eternity listening to Barry Manillow. If that happened I’d have to believe in God again -considering I’d be in Hell.

Actually I do hear something. It’s really faint, I hadn’t noticed it before. It sounds kind of like a beeper going off. I wouldn’t think the Afterlife would have technology like that. After all, who’s going to page me? Madame Gweniver and her Crystal Ball? Ridiculous.

But I definitely hear something. Maybe if I try... It’s a bit hard to move, but I can do it if I try. Hmmm. It almost feels like I’m surrounded by a barrier. I’ll try pushing against it. Yes! It’s working, the barrier is cracking. I can clearly see a little bit of light. Keep pushing!

Crack!

Ha! I’m free. I wasn’t dead after all! I must have just been trapped in the car. Damn! What a close call! If that truck driver is still alive, I’m going to kick his ass! My vision is still a little blurry. Maybe if I just blink a few times. Now let’s see....

Aaaaaaaa!!! That’s the biggest Goddamned bird I’ve ever seen! What the Hell is going on?! That thing must be the size of a house! What’s that in it’s beak? Some unlucky pedestrian? No, it’s... Oh gross! It’s a gigantic worm!

“Get away from me!”

Hold on. That didn’t sound right.

Was it just me, or did that come out only as peeping? Oh no... wait a minute. Please don’t tell me that this stuff around me is egg shell. Ack! It is egg shell! I did die! And I’ve been reincarnated as some disgusting feathered sky-rat!

This is worse than I thought! Sohpie better get two million out of this! Sigh, well, I guess I’d better have some worm. Now that I think about it, I am awful hungry. Being born takes a lot out of ya.

“Hey! This isn’t so bad, kind of tastes like chicken. Thanks Mom.”

****************